Well I've had an interesting night... went to Abe's party which was fab - everyone was happy as larry despite the chatpiece weather.
Now for those of you who don't know I have a fierce hatred of being tickled. Maybe a phobia of sorts. Either way I'm tenfold more ticklish this side of Elmo, and you should know by now not to tickle me. Consequences may vary... but especially if you're a douchebag haemhorroid grinch, that will not go down well.
So uh, the person in question starts harassing the shit out of me. Over and over. And obviously I didn't like it - made obvious enough by my pleas for him to stop and get the fk off me. And yeah. You guessed it! He wouldn't. In fact he just started getting agressive, and so did I.
It was time for ncpx to get his Jiu Jitsu on.!
So instead of just telling you this story... I'll give you abit of science and something interesting behind it so you aren't left falling asleep and drooling allover the nice keyboard you got from Officeworks the other day.
2.22.2009
Whose Laughin' Now!
ALRIGHT SO... I was pretty much flat on my back. And alot of JiuJitsu is about fighting in close, and especially of your back. So... I closed my guard.
Yes, thats the guard. As much as you're guttered mind thinks that it looks like a sex act, its pretty much the most effective combined defensive/offensive position you can do off your back. Ever. (Simply speaking). So... if you're still adamant in thinking that it looks homo then atleast let it be EXTREME ass-kickin homo. (Not that theres anything wrong with being homo anyway right? Right.)
Now, with the guard, you can close your legs (I don't have a picture so just use your imagination...) So thats what I did and I held his head with my left hand, and I gave him a decent elbow to the jaw. Nothing crazy, just enough that I thought he'd fuckin stop. But being the pyle-eating colonblaster he is, he just escalated and started hurting me back. So I had to get serious up-in-here, up-in-here. It is then that I worked... the TRIANGLE CHOKE.
>Basically it's a choke you can do off your back. And, it looks like THIS:
Yes, you close your legs over one side of the neck and over the shoulder, in a sort of 'triangle' shape. It might be hard to imagine, but this is possibly the strongest choke you can apply, because you're leg works like a god damn vice grip. Pinsir would have undoubtedly, been proud of my execution.
And, basically you get two types - "chokes" and "strangles". A strangle blocks the windpipe and air directly - which means blood still flows to and from your brain but your blood isn't getting any oxygen. These are bad. You can rupture your windpipe and get seriously hurt forever or obviously... you can kill someone if you hold for a long, long time.
Whereas, what I did, is a choke. It doesn't block the windpipe, but it blocks...
the carotid arteries you see above. The major arteries that bring blood to your brain to oxygenate it so that it can think and still function. With a strangle, oxygenated blood still gets to and from the brain - albeit a dwindling supply. Whereas a choke deprives any oxygen getting in and out, full stop. So what happens? Well, if you let this happen for long enough you sleep/pass out. Virtually harmless unless you hold on for frieken ages, only a fool would (obviously nothing is without its risks).
So yes, thats what I did. And he went limp / was on his way to sleeping. So the motherfucker eye gouged me, over and god damn over. As you would I suppose when somebodies choking you. But hey, who'se fuckin' side are you on! After taking about 4 of these god damn painful/annoying probes to my eyes, I decided to let go because the bilewhipe was limp and I thought he'd commes di fuk daown.
Ah fuck! Ow! Don't! Wtf!
So I'm on my back remember? Yeah, I really shouldnt've let go. Damn. Because he kinghits me in the back of the head after backing off. Real galant there mate! Let me tell your grandkids how much of a man you were in your hey-day. Maybe you'll forever be known as the fucker who punches teens on the ground after he choked seven shades of chickenshit out of you. Yeah wassup now! Dissatisfied with one punch, he stomps me in the head, pro wrestling style. Because EVERYBODY wants to be Stone Cold Steve god-damn Austin. Remember how he used to stomp on fools?
Interestingly enough in those scenarios you're adrenalin rushed enough to not feel the pain initially - more of a force or a blunt push. You sure as hell feel it after though.
So round one ended and I got to my feet and dusted myself off and was pretty keen on giving staredowns Clint Eastwood 'Gran Torino' style.
Mrrrrggghhmmmrmrrhrghhh....
I'm just pacing back and forth waiting for a Round 2 to come. God knows I woulda dropped him on his trick-shit ass and lay a decent boot. But me being such a nice guy and the better man (ladies, listenin?) I waited until a good pal told me the guy wanted to talk to me. So I walked over and he's sitting in a chair looking very angry / borderline about to cry.
"COME HERE. COME HERE" he said. Kind of like his pride was broken. (It probably was. Whats up now asshole!?)
Now I knew better than to "come here" just like that. My initial feeling was that he was going to hit me, again. But somebody who had been talking to him said that he wanted to apologise, so I should just do it.
He put his arms out for an embrace, and I tentatively obliged. Because I was nice (well, AM nice) and willing to get over it. Legitimate forgiveness.
"Are we cool? Look I don't want to hurt you, and you don't want to hurt me. So lets just make sure this doesn't happen again" I say, while in the dudes apologetic embrace.
I let go.
"What do you mean MAKE SURE?" he said.
Then CRACK.
Im seeing purple and tasting all sorts of almonds. My mind is on just about as bad a lag time as a 56k Korean Starcraft player on aus-1 server back in the early 2000's. It was then I realised I'd just been kinghit and cheapshotted in the god damn face. Again! I knew I shouldnt've trusted the sucker.
By the time I knew what was going on he was already pretty far away from me. Incase you were wondering my first thoughts after he hit me?
"MY GLASSES!" yeah they flew off my face. They're my favourite god damn pair! These Marc Jacob lady-magnets are worth a good buck! And I promise that it's time is not going to be put to an end by some jackass cheap shot! I found them anyway, and they're scratched but apart from that all good. (You'll be spit-shining and buffing them in hell, jerkoff!)
I'm kinda tired so I'll make the rest of this story quick. He got kicked out and I needed to see a doctor because I was dizzy as (still am), my cheek was swollen (still is) and my nose bleeding sporadically (which has stopped, thankfully). My man Lev (who made an appearance in the horror story of Failure 33) was so kind to take me to the hospital.
Quirky Asian intern doctor took me. If you're out there Doctor Linda (?), thank you! Not only for treating me, but for bringing in Doctor LUCY! Doctor Lucy was my kinda lady. Smart, brunette, good looking and wore glasses. God snappin damn!
"They're nice glasses. They're kinda like mine! I like them :) "
".. weeehell! Thanks I like yours too Lucy."
Yes, I macked on the doctor Lucy. So what ? She was damn fine. Obviously nothing was gonna happen. IF YOU'RE READING THIS DOCTOR LUCY, MARRY ME YE?
Yeah so, douchebag with a PhD in Cheapshot and Kinghittin' and Assbaggery! I get the last laugh. You may have hurt me but you're still a dropkick. And I'm not. And I macked on a doctor. And frankly I'm just the better man (yeah I said it. Wassup now!)
So whats next for me? A ct scan incase of a fractured cheekbone, and other nasties that might be underneath. Apart from that, I'm fine.
Take care of yourselves, and thanks for the kind concern you've given.
Love ncpx xx
He put his arms out for an embrace, and I tentatively obliged. Because I was nice (well, AM nice) and willing to get over it. Legitimate forgiveness.
"Are we cool? Look I don't want to hurt you, and you don't want to hurt me. So lets just make sure this doesn't happen again" I say, while in the dudes apologetic embrace.
I let go.
"What do you mean MAKE SURE?" he said.
Then CRACK.
Im seeing purple and tasting all sorts of almonds. My mind is on just about as bad a lag time as a 56k Korean Starcraft player on aus-1 server back in the early 2000's. It was then I realised I'd just been kinghit and cheapshotted in the god damn face. Again! I knew I shouldnt've trusted the sucker.
By the time I knew what was going on he was already pretty far away from me. Incase you were wondering my first thoughts after he hit me?
"MY GLASSES!" yeah they flew off my face. They're my favourite god damn pair! These Marc Jacob lady-magnets are worth a good buck! And I promise that it's time is not going to be put to an end by some jackass cheap shot! I found them anyway, and they're scratched but apart from that all good. (You'll be spit-shining and buffing them in hell, jerkoff!)
I'm kinda tired so I'll make the rest of this story quick. He got kicked out and I needed to see a doctor because I was dizzy as (still am), my cheek was swollen (still is) and my nose bleeding sporadically (which has stopped, thankfully). My man Lev (who made an appearance in the horror story of Failure 33) was so kind to take me to the hospital.
Quirky Asian intern doctor took me. If you're out there Doctor Linda (?), thank you! Not only for treating me, but for bringing in Doctor LUCY! Doctor Lucy was my kinda lady. Smart, brunette, good looking and wore glasses. God snappin damn!
"They're nice glasses. They're kinda like mine! I like them :) "
".. weeehell! Thanks I like yours too Lucy."
Yes, I macked on the doctor Lucy. So what ? She was damn fine. Obviously nothing was gonna happen. IF YOU'RE READING THIS DOCTOR LUCY, MARRY ME YE?
Yeah so, douchebag with a PhD in Cheapshot and Kinghittin' and Assbaggery! I get the last laugh. You may have hurt me but you're still a dropkick. And I'm not. And I macked on a doctor. And frankly I'm just the better man (yeah I said it. Wassup now!)
So whats next for me? A ct scan incase of a fractured cheekbone, and other nasties that might be underneath. Apart from that, I'm fine.
Take care of yourselves, and thanks for the kind concern you've given.
Love ncpx xx
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So... if you're still adamant in thinking that it looks homo then atleast let it be EXTREME ass-kickin homo.
ReplyDeletebahahh lovee