Things That Destroy ncpx From The Inside - "The Failure 33 Object"

You may or may not have heard of a band called the Red Hot Chili Peppers. If you have read on. If not then I don't know how you access computers under fucken rocks but read on anyway.

John Frusciante of the RHCP makes solo stuff. I don't usually listen to it, but I have a couple of pals that do alot. So naturally I've been made to hear a few stuff out. Not really my cup of tea, but definitely some nice music I could listen to on the occasion.

That is until I was shown

The Failure 33 Object

It doesn't actually have a 'the' title in front of it. But I added it, because it deserves it. It makes it sound like the one and only notorious bowel blastingly cataclysmic 'object' that it is. Yes, it even has a number so you know it's not just ANY failure object.  

So its like how the country Ukraine is actually called THE Ukraine. Ukraine by itself sounds pussy. But when you say THE Ukraine and find it out it means the god damn !FRONTIER!!! then you know that you really shouldn't be fuckin with Ukrain, Ukrainians and it's terrain(..ians) (I'll get back to my raps later)... 

 

Average Ukrainian Male, 8 Years Old

But just incase you aren't quite convinced, allow me to illustrate.

A fine spring afternoon, me and my man Levent are doing a Dominos run to raise our power level, and suppress our hunger.

I realise it's shit. wassup now?

So we're just chillin to the same old music. You know, whatever it is. 

Then it happened. It came on

This musical composition is one crafty son of a bitch. At first, quite lulling and entrancing. A numbing, probing delayed and echoed synthesized arpeggio. 

Intrigued by the riff, I listened on. 

.. and on.

.....and on..

until it was too late.

You remember when Skynet became self aware in the Terminator movies? It wasn't because of Dyson. Fucken FAILURE did it. Skynet is Failure's bitch. The whole arpeggio is actually schematics and code in musical notation form, building upon its self over and over and constructing its own artificial intelligence. Don't beleive me? 
THIS SHIT TURNED UP BY ITSELF.** Because the s.o.b knows that the louder it is the more it HURTS. 

Failure's left nut, magnified x90.

I kicked, I screamed for it to stopped while I clasped my ears and reduced to a foetal position, trapped in a Volkswagen sarcophagus. But it wouldn't stop. It got louder, and louder and relays the same sound over the top of itself over, and over, and over until, this happened.

Thats right, my head exploded. Lev took that on my camera phone, srsly. And before you ask why I'm wearing a fugly yellow shirt, it's because Failure mugged me for my other cool one and gave it to his fucken kids for Christmas. Thats how disgustingly sick he is. He doesn't even need to buy presents for his kids he just jacks people like you and me for our goodies. What a bully!

LUCKILY the pizza came on time, and like the sensou beans of DB I was fed a wholesome thin cheese intravenously , and regenerated my head and decent-shirt again. 

I realise that was alot to digest and so, for every ncpx bane I write about, I will create a brief profile.

THE FAILURE 33 OBJECT - In Brief

Name: The Failure 33 Object

 

The only known photograph of The Failure 33 Object. Gazing into this picture for extended periods of time will most likely put you in a wheelchair.

Age: Aeons. Manifested for the first time on "Shadows Collide With People" February 23, 2004 through mind hijack/symbiotic relationship with John Frusciante after a massive cocktail of cocaine, LSD, rocket fuel and tits (blendered). 

Abilities: Mind hijack / mind probe.

 Artificial intelligence/self awareness

 Excrutiating pain

Description: Lulls the victim into a false sense of security. Victim begins to become entranced and numb by the music. Eventually realising that his/her psyche is being raped, pillaged and looted by a shock squad of caustic techno-bubbles and microprocessors.

Accomplices: Skynet. Fucken, robots. 

Defense Against/Defeating It: Don't allow it to play or build itself. Delete this from your playlists and then destroy your hard drives. Once it plays you are too sprint Carl fucken Lewis style whilst screaming "Jimmy cracked corn and I don't care" at the top of your doomed lungs, in hopes that your mind might forget about it. Though, it is not known whether this is all part of the Object's master plan.

Notes/Remarks: Guys, seriously. This really shouldn't be allowed to exist but it does. I'm scared too okay?