>27hrs

I don't actually have anything to write about. Actually I'm kinda forcing myself to write, mainly because I feel like I need to.

Of the things I thought I could write about:

dreams, songs, language, the addressing of shortcomings, proclamation of my own genius (not), absurd and miscellaneous, the aura of the extraordinary aaaand finally, myself.

So thats what I've finally decided on. I will give you the unenviable pleasure of reading about yours truly.

So whats been going on in the life of me lately?

As a lot of you may know, I don't go to university. For those of you who don't: I don't go to university. I deferred my offers till next year. Which means as of March 31 I had roughly 300 days for me to earn money and enjoy the lack of academia, but not necessarily learning. I learn what I feel I need and want to, and reject all else. So that leaves me various useless trivia, scattered here-and-theres of history (namely World War 2) and how to wrestle grizzly bears and then cook their young for vital nourishment in the North American wilderness, or in the Serengeti's case, lions and hippopotamus... But no actually I walk away with a better understanding of some finer points of life that I never knew. Don't get me wrong. I don't claim, nor will I ever claim in my life (you can bet on it) to ever know the majority of the answers to life. But without getting to balls deep, the fact that I have for the first time in my life been given more than 1 and a half months of me time since 1995 has taught me much.
Its a gift, and I'm tempted to go with the cliche say that its a curse as well but I'm not sure if it is. Things haven't exactly been 100% dandy as things never really are. And I hope you know what I mean when I say that sometimes it's not easy to take things as bounties and blessings all the time. But thats the way things are with everybody I guess. At least I hope so anyway.
I really don't wanna talk about work in detail, as no one really likes hearing about it. Including myself. All I'll say is that I'm enjoying my work and the people that I work with, which makes shit a lot easier. I'm also grateful to have a job that seems pretty secure and that pays me pretty well. I guess I got things on lock in that department... I'm earning cash and experience and some fun times to boot. Though sometimes I really don't know where the fuck my money goes. Something out there, somewhere, is the virtual leech of my bank account. But, oh well. I hate money. Not in the way that I deny the need for it, but the fact that we need it sucks. Then again I wouldn't wanna barter fucken sea shells either. Actually... who am I kidding? Yes I fucken' do I live next to a beach for Pete's sake.

INTERMISSION...
Okay hold on a second. I'm trying to get back to my senses. I just got mind fucked by the end of Kirlian Isles II by The Flashbulb. It was all ambient and chill until the music changes mood and gets all psychotic on me... so hold on a sec.

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Alright. Back into the nice stuff.

Approximately 26 hours later, I'm continuing this post. I intended on finishing it yesterday night, but it didn't end up happen. Got lost in Chopin. Had he been born a woman and lived his life identically, I'd be into necrophilia... maybe not. But I'd be in a disgustingly deep love with a dead classical music genius. So, seeing as I don't want to be changing the subject anytime soon, my criminally boring and languid love life is as it goes. Thats really all that I'm going to say about that otherwise I won't stop. Unless of course you ask. This isn't really an insinuation either - I'm fairly indifferent as to whether you do or you don't, though I do appreciate concern when given lol. So eh... I guess if I could just end this paragraph with anything it'd be a recommendation to listen to all of Chopin's Nocturnes. It's an absolute diorama of emotions, inspired by the night. The only piece of music where I legitimately feel that he wrote it for me, to me. Whether he's laughing or crying either with me or at me - it's sincere all the same.

Uhhhm... fff.. since I'm continuing this from last night it's kinda hard to keep with the subject and my train of thought isn't the same. But I'll try and salvage what thoughts I had and put them back in...




So since I've been / and will be doing the same-old thing this year I've just been thinking about what sort of things I'd like to do or achieve or have a go at. Just simple stuff like read more, try my hand at poetry and spoken word, make music (and hence continue my love/hate affair with my own efforts) and stuff like that. A friend of mine (whose ambition and vision I wish I shared) has asked me to act in a film he might be making, and I love acting so that should be interesting. But all these things are, just little things to make me happy and expand my horizons a little bit.
It's not just me currently lack a long term vision for my life and myself, I've sort of always lacked it. Everyone shits on all the time about having your long term goals and then working towards them, having big plans for your life and stuff - but that was never me. I suppose the biggest thing really has been my idea of wanting to move out. I hate living at home. So long as I'm here, I'm not me. But I don't know if that idea could materialise anytime soon.
But hey you know... fuck. Whatever?

If I had to write one last thing about this fascinating (not) update on myself before I leave it for the night is a general misanthropy. Well, maybe not misanthropy because that conjures up whiffs of hatred. It's definitely not a hatred. Maybe cynicism is the better word. I suppose I just feel like people don't really act upon anything sincerely anymore and it's really easily made me think differently of a lot of people - but in a benign, contemplative way. Obviously I wouldn't treat them differently or do anything to physically act upon it - but it's just got me thinking. Uh for example I just feel that lately people only really talk to you when they need or want something (whatever it might be), are only in it for themselves when you look into it; even worse off when it's someone you invest time, energy, respect and kindness to because you feel like they deserve it.


And I'm just about spent. Thats me forcing myself to write about something, and that something ended up being an update on myself. Hope you've learned something, and, well... I dunno. Drop me a line or something.


Thanks so much for reading.


Chocolat, pour vous
ncpx x