I'm currently in bed, all warm and cosey listening to music and I can sorta hear the rain outside. Or maybe its just tires going over wet road. Probably the latter... either way its lush and soothing.
I'm hardly sleepy yet but unfortunately I've gotta force myself due to work being pretty early tomorrow morning. Which sorta blows considering its Saturday but I should stop my bitching.
What I actually came on to write about is this;
Yesterday night my homeboy and myself got onto the subject of child minding. His mother is a child minder. Out of curiosity I asked if she ever has to child mind over night, or for 24 hours. No, he said. But they might stick around until late evening/early morning if their parents were at functions, like weddings and such.
As soon as he said it, it prompted memories of when that used to happen to me as a kid. Being dropped off somewhere to be minded while the rents were out at some dry function, usually out of obligation :P
And upon remembering it and all its associated feelings etc. I began to feel very, very uneasy. Bad vibes, everywhere.
And what I remembered in particular was being dropped off at somebodies boring joint, sticking around, staying up watching bad cartoons and TV shows that I didn't like until I became weary and fell asleep on an uncomfortable couch, only to be woken by your parents being in the room, picking your sleepy ass up to go home.
Something about THAT particular thought, made me feel really weird. Even now, writing about it, gives me really strange vibes. I don't exactly know what it is - maybe it was the feeling of just wanting to be home really bad, being helplessly lonely, being stark bored, shy, missing out on the fun, or what? I'm sure nothing terrible happened, I don't think so anyway. I suppose Nirvana's song "Sliver" described it pretty well. You get dropped off somewhere, you watch tv, you eat, you play - and you fucking hate it.
"Grandma take me home! Grandma take me home! Grandma take me home!"
the chorus, repeated over and over and over by Cobain. Maybe he knows what I'm talking about. But he's dead and I can't exactly ask.
This just reminded me of a topic in conversation that I had with a lovely friend about repressed memories and the subconscious. If a sufficiently disturbing/threatening event happened in your life - particularly childhood or adolescence, your subsconscious knows to erase or forget it. You might remember the event and cause, but the details are erased for your own good and well being. Fuckin' remarkable, I think. At that, I don't think anything disturbing or threatening happened to me at that stage in life. I really do doubt it. But considering that I have an impeccable memory of my childhood, kindy and even before that, why is it that this particular scene gives me the heeby jeebies, making me want to forget it as soon as possible? Or the fact that I don't really remember any details about it.
I think I'm just looking into to much actually, because obviously details of your childhood like that slowly fade into obscurity. But it's food for thought no?
Thinkin' of you!
-n xoxo
5.29.2009
5.25.2009
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
